Fantasy, Recaps, Television

NOC Recaps Game of Thrones: Dicks and Stones

Last week on Game of Thrones, most of the attention was focused on underground extremist movements in various parts of the realm. This week’s episode, “Kill the Boy,” turns the lens again towards those  in power, especially Daenarys Targaryen and Jon Snow.

However, we at NOC know what’s on everyone’s mind:

Daenarys and Daario are standing vigil over the body of our beloved Ser Barristan the Bold, who fought valiantly and honorably, although we all wish he didn’t have to die in quite that way: by anonymous cowards in the alleyway of a foreign land. Daenarys expresses her grief with revenge served hot: Rhaegal and Viserion torch one sniveling master and quickly turn him into an amuse bouche. Who will be next to burn?

Meanwhile, in Castle Black, Maester Aemon, the only remaining Targaryen besides Daenarys, receives word of Dany’s latest exploits, read to him by Sam Tarly. “A Targaryen, alone in the world, is a terrible thing,” and he would know. Enter Jon Snow, seeking advice on how to approach a partnership with the Wildlings. Maester’s advice:

Jon Snow begins the first of his hard conversations with Tormund Giantsbane. He unshackles the gloriously bearded one and asks him to go back North of the Wall to round up all the Wildling tribes, tell them that the Crows will let them pass through to the south and will give them their own lands down there. In exchange, Jon Snow reserves the right to call upon them to fight alongside him against the White Walkers. No bending of knees necessary. Giantsbane agrees only if Jon comes with him.

Turns out that conversation, with all its tension and gravitas, was the easier one.

All hail Stannis Baratheon, the One True King of Grammar!

The other knights balk at the idea of giving the Wildlings safe harbor. Even little Ollie, who adores Jon and even killed that red-headed Wildling maiden aiming an arrow at him (oops, that was the love of Jon’s life…awkward), will not readily accept this new alliance. Jon tries to go the whole “I lost people too, I hear your concerns, but Winter is Coming” counselor game, but Ollie isn’t convinced just yet. Nice try though, Jon Snow! Your empathy game is on fleek!

In Winterfell, Ramsay Bolton is still screwing around with Myranda, who, we should recall, has quite the jealous streak.

An elderly servant informs Sansa that she still has friends in the North, and if she ever needed help, she can light a candle at the top window of the Broken Tower (the one where Bran fell, poor baby). Myranda approaches her there, and tries to charm her way into Sansa’s heart like a total creeper. Sansa’s terrorism level was at orange, and is now red.

She tells Sansa there is a memento of her mother down at the very end of an extremely dark, extremely frightening kennel [editor’s note to Sansa: Seriously, girl?  Are you really going to fall for the “If I told you, it would spoil the surprise” trick?], and who does she find amidst the snarling dogs? Good ol’ Reek. To his credit, he is the most eloquent we’ve ever seen him, and he tells her what every single person in Westeros and viewer of the show wants to tell her:

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Awkward Family Dinners, Bolton Style.

From color-division.tumblr.com

Ramsay sadistically forces Reek to apologize for killing Sansa’s little brothers, and then immediately points out that The Eunuch Formerly Known as Theon is the closest thing to family she has left, and therefore he should give her away at their wedding. Father Roose announces that wife is expecting, and that the baby is likely to be a boy, which threatens Ramsay’s role as son and heir.

During post-dinner cocktails in the war room, father and son take turns insulting each other, but Roose reiterates that Ramsay’s position is rock-solid, as long as Ramsay helps him take down Stannis’ upcoming siege of the North.

Speaking of Stannis, he approaches Sam in the library at Castle Black. He first gives Sam’s dad props for being responsible for his brother Robert Baratheon’s only military defeat, then asks Sam how he killed a White Walker. Apparently, that dagger he used was made of Dragon Glass, aka obsidian, and he is researching like crazy over why. And Stannis, bless his boring-ass heart, believes him, and urges him to keep going with his research:

“Keep reading, Samwell Tarly.” Best closer EVER. Grammar nerds gotta stick together.

THANK THE OLD GODS AND THE NEW that Grey Worm seems to be recovering from his battle wounds. He has been unconscious for three days, and Missandei has been at his bedside the whole time because SHE LOOOVES HIM, GUYS. When he awakes, he tells her he was not afraid of death, but when the knife pierced him, the only thing he was afraid of was never seeing her again because HE LOOOVES HER TOOOOO. They kiss, and I die.

Dany visits Hizdahr zo Loraq in the dungeons, and he falls to his knees, ready to plead for his life. However, she instead demonstrates the art of compromise. She gives the people of Meereen back their fighting pits…but all fighters must be free men. March Madness has come early to Meereen! Submit your brackets by Saturday! And that’s not all…she also announces that she will marry him. Basically:

From highgardenroses.tumblr.com

Tyrion and Jorah Mormont’s Merry Voyage Across the Sea continues to the ruins of Valyria, guest-starring a mild case of the DTs. Poor Tyrion, of all the kidnappers in Westeros, he gets the one straight-edger.

Quote of the Episode:

The city seems deserted and quiet, until above them appears Drogon.

You never forget your first dragon.

But before they can share a thoughtful conversation about the raw power and beauty of nature, they get attacked by Stone Men. They are zombie-like but fast, and one touch will infect you with Greyscale. Jorah takes them on using his oar and his sword, while Tyrion, still bound, has no choice but risk drowning to escape them. It turns out Jorah saves them both, but at great cost:

10 thoughts on “NOC Recaps Game of Thrones: Dicks and Stones”

  2. So it’s terrible that Ser Selmy died in a foreign land. Do you mean like some soldier who died in a land of savages? He didn’t want to be there, fighting the good fight? I thought his queen made that city their new home.

    1. I don’t think of the Meereenese to be savages, but his death just struck me as lonely. Valiant, honorable, well-fought, while saving other people’s lives: probably exactly how a soldier envisions death by combat to be, yet seeing him and Grey Worm lying in the alleyway just hit me in the feels in a major way. The soldier life is not just bloody and physical, it’s lonesome.

      1. I suppose what I see as the tragedy for Ser Selmy is that he didn’t get to die KNOWING that Grey Worm would survive and thus that his own death wasn’t in vain.

      2. Chortles, thanks for that bit of context. I am not confident in my abilities to 100% see through the eyes of a fictional knight, but I’m pretty sure that thought crossed his mind as he passed on.

  3. Tyrion’s face when he sees the dragons for the first time is one of my favorite things ever in life. Here is the most cynical, the most jaded, the most over-it, the most misunderstood character in the show and he sees something he thought was gone forever, something truly awesome (in the Biblical sense of the word) and amazing, and his face just… wow.

  5. So glad I started following y’all, this was just great!
    “During post dinner cocktails in the war room…” Lawls!

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