Review: X-Men Apocalypse

X-Men Apocalypse.

I swore I wouldn’t write a review for the film. Primarily because any review I penned would pale in comparison to the excellent piece penned by my buddy and fellow N.O.C. colleague, Valerie Complex.

Seriously if you haven’t read it, go do so now. Val snatched so many wigs and edges, you would’ve thought Director Bryan Singer and Fox were members of the Charles Xavier Cosplay Appreciation Society.

So why are you reading this review penned by yours truly? Given that this Wakandan Cherokee is also a proud son of the atom and high priest of the Windrider known as Ororo Munroe, the First Lady of Marvel, I had to weigh in.

Sorry/Not Sorry.

After all, X-Men is my story and my legacy. 

The verdict?

[Sighs]

I really wanted to love this movie.

Pulling a Dora Milaje (from Captain America: Civil War), Shipp stole the few scenes she was in with her presence and performance. She was easily the breakout star of the film.

Val called it when she said Shipp got Halle Buried.

Magneto’s wife and daughter got fridged for his angst. So that’s his mother, wife, and daughter who have been brutally murdered for his manpain. Because coming up with something more original would require actual work.

Moving on.

Wolverine got more screentime than Storm and pretty much all of the characters of color. Yes Hugh Jackman is in the film yet again. I’m getting sick of seeing Hugh Jackman’s ass. And this is a person who quite enjoys staring at Hugh Jackman’s ass.

Moira McTaggart returns and serves no purpose in this film other than to be Xavier’s beard. Sorry m/m slashers. No gay subtext for you.

And Fox is hellbent on making Quicksilver happen. And I kept rolling my eyes as a result. Evan Peters, and for that matter most of the cast, is uber talented and I enjoy his work. This isn’t an attack against him or the other players but how they were utilized in this film.

The setup was almost formulaic of the previous X-Men films, so much so I was feeling like Destiny watching the film. Speaking of Destiny, funny how she hasn’t appeared even though Fox keeps trying to force-feed this bastardized heteronormative version of Katniss EverSmurfette. JLaw is not Mystique. I think she would’ve been a great Jean Grey or Val Cooper. Raven Darkholme, not so much.

Psylocke was also shortchanged. Probably the biggest injustice was the casting. Especially considering the recent controversy of Olivia Munn claiming she did all of her stunts when that was a blatant lie and an insult to the stunt woman who risked her well being to make her look good on screen.

Oh and look Comicbook.com printed Munn’s lies as fact. I’m shocked that my former employer would do something so heinous. This is my shocked face.

Then there’s Jubilee. She, like Storm, deserved better. Of course, had Jubilee been around when the action went down it would’ve subverted the good white mutants vs. the evil mutants of color that’s been consistent since First Class.

This film is definitely on par with X-Men: The Last Stand. The film was all over the place. There were parts that were great and parts that were simply WTF.

And it’s a reminder with the exception of an elite few, white folks are simply not qualified to pen allegories based on black history.

X-Men: Apocalypse would’ve been cutting edge and an amazing film. If the year was 2000. But 16 years have passed, the cinematic landscape (not to mention superhero films) have changed drastically and Singer and Fox are remaking the same movie from the same framework and the same outline like this is the late ‘0s/early 2000s.

Step your game up. Or give the film rights back to Marvel. Or DC. Or someone competent.

In any event, save your money, skip this film, and go watch Rain: the best superhero film released this year thus far. Followed by Batman v Superman: Dawn of Wonder Woman.

X-Men Apocalypse gets a C-. And that’s solely because of the saving grace that is Alexandra Shipp.