Summer Blockbuster Showdown: Transformers Age of Extinction

Originally posted at You Offend Me You Offend My Family

Select Offenders will be reviewing this summer’s crop of Hollywood tentpole films with a scientifically tested set of criteria that was vetted, nurtured, dissected, and regurgitated through the pop-culture gadflies who have nothing better to do than annoy other productive people in the YOMYOMF office. So, we channeled their nitpicks of the incessant reboots, remakes and rehashes that are part and parcel with Hollywood summer movies into this ongoing summer blog series called the Summer Blockbuster Showdown. You can read previous roundtable reviews, which are all archived here

In this edition, we tackle Michael Mr. Stage Fright Bay’s latest masturbatory opus, Transformers: Age of Extinction! BTW, this roundtable review is chock full of spoilers. You’ve been warned!

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Why Did I Watch the New Transformers Movie?

I’m out of town, and there’s a movie theater a block from my hotel. As a father, I don’t get to the moviehouse often unless it’s a kid’s movie.  So over the weekend, I figured I’d treat myself to a movie. What’s the worst that can happen? The answer to that question: the theater is only showing Transformers: Age of Extinction.

Even seeing Optimus Prime in his G1 truck mode can’t make up for the three hours this movie steals from your life.

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When’s Someone Going to Let Me Make a Transformers Movie?

So if you haven’t heard, there’s a new Transformers flick coming out this summer. The fourth in the franchise, this will be the first without Shia LeBeouf (since he’s “no longer famous,” Mark Wahlberg’s the new male lead), but Michael Bay is still behind the camera.

Back in February, Paramount teased the flick with a big Super Bowl spot. Your Facebook feed was probably full of images of Optimus Prime riding on Grimlock. The other day, the studio unveiled its first full trailer for the movie that’ll likely rule the summer box office:

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