Critics are allegedly saying that Spider-Man: Homecoming is the best movie of the summer. Fans are allegedly saying that this is the best Spider-Man film, EVER.

What am I saying to all of this?

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Thrilled by his experience with the Avengers, young Peter Parker returns home to live with his Aunt May. Under the watchful eye of mentor Tony Stark, Parker starts to embrace his newfound identity as Spider-Man. He also tries to return to his normal daily routine — distracted by thoughts of proving himself to be more than just a friendly neighborhood superhero. Peter must soon put his powers to the test when the evil Vulture emerges to threaten everything that he holds dear.

I’m so glad Disney decided to postpone the Black Panther film everyone has been demanding for over a decade for yet another mediocre hack of a film about a white superhero. Because the first five films about the white dude wasn’t enough. We had to go for a sinister six.

Despite all of this, I was willing to give Homecoming a shot. Tom Holland impressed me with his performance as the wall crawler in Captain America: Civil War. And let’s keep it 100, fellow 8-packer and Future Hubby #16 makes my spider sense tingle.

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I was also sold when I learned that Zendaya was cast as the iconic Mary Jane Watson.

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Leave it to Marvel/Disney to figure out a way to swoop in like a vulture and snatch the fail out of the jaws of win.

Tobey Maguire was more Peter than Spidey. Andrew Garfield was more Spidey than Peter. It probably had more to do with the way the roles were written and this is certainly no slight on the previous webslingers. Tom Holland might be the first actor who managed to be an excellent Peter and Spider-Man.

Zendaya got shortchanged with that MJ bait and switch. For those of you just joining us Zendaya was cast to play Watson which pissed off white fandom to no end. Similar to costar Tony Revolori who played Flash Thompson in the film and received death threats for doing the job he was hired for.

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Mary Jane Watson has always been the breathtaking actress/model/girl next door. And they couldn’t have found a better actress in Zendaya, but the second they cast a black girl, they change her name to Michelle (who goes by MJ) so not to anger the white bigots and dress her up like a Daria, downplaying her striking beauty. Which would be completely fine if Zendaya was portraying a different character. However, it’s interesting that producers only want to get “creative” with a “new interpretation” of MJ which would’ve never happened had the actress cast been white.

That’s not even the worst of it by any stretch, sadly.

Because Marvel/Disney can’t seemingly come up with an original and decent idea that isn’t a rehash of Iron Man, they essentially columbussed Miles Morales’s storyline and cast. We’re talking everything from Iron Man training Spidey to his bestie being a heavyset Asian fanboy of a best friend. Essentially Homecoming erases Miles Morales from his own story and replaces it with a white character. You almost have to admire the lengths Disney will go to be as racist as they are. But when you have Ike Perlmutter, a Trump supporter, as Marvel CEO, we shouldn’t be shocked. Especially when you couple that with Amy Pascal serving as one of the executive producers. You remember Pascal; the raging bigot whose racism got exposed in the Sony email hack? For a movie that’s supposed to be diverse, it’s telling how everyone is comfortable with black people getting the short end of it yet again. By the by, tokenism and window dressing does not equal diversity. Homecoming DOES NOT get props for having a bunch of throwaway PoC characters, especially given that they ripped off the story of a Blatino superhero.

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If your “diversity” is comprised of racism and anti-blackness, it’s not diversity. It’s white supremacy. As I had to remind Jim C. Hines when I called him out on his gaslighting and victim blaming.

Oh but wait there’s more. Sadly, there’s more.

In addition to the diversity being little more than window dressing so white movie-makers can pat themselves on the back, the writing was absolute garbage. Oh you don’t believe me?

One example. In one scene, Spidey “accidentally” racially profiles and assaults an Asian citizen who was getting in his car when the car alarm went off. The scene was played up for laughs. Now had the victim been white or if this film was made 5 or 10 years ago, it could’ve been funny. But in the age of Black Lives Matter and having a white supremacist as an executive producer, this is hella problematic. But when you consider that Civil War was essentially Stark’s campaign to legalize racial profiling… well…

Sill not convinced? Oh wait, there’s more.

At one point in the film Stark tells Spidey that he is too inexperienced to fight super villains and needs to stick to street criminals until he gets more experience.

Okay that’s fair.

Yet this is the same Stark who took that inexperienced teenager halfway around the world and had him fight in a major superhero brawl which resulted in a decimated airport and Rhodey (a career decorated soldier) being paralyzed. And as a buddy of mine so accurately pointed out, “Considering that he coerced that same inexperienced adolescent into fighting for him by threatening to inform Parker’s aunt about his exploits as Spider-Man, Stark doesn’t have a moral leg to stand on. Then again, that is nothing new.”

So what was Stark’s bright idea for dealing with Vulture? Call the FBI. Because Stark couldn’t be bothered to fly back to New York to help, he sends ordinary law enforcement to try to apprehend a flying armored super villain who’s armed alien tech.

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Now speaking of Vulture, Michael Keaton delivers what might be his best performance to date. Couldn’t tell half the time if he was playing Vulture or Batman but either way, I’m not complaining.

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The worst part about Homecoming. The potential was there. This movie could’ve been amazing. The elements were there but this film read like the rushed first draft of Iron Man 4: The High School Years.

The fact that Wonder Woman, a far superior and more progressive film, is being nitpicked among the self-proclaimed fauxial justice fauxgressives while this fustercluck is given a pass is a reflection of white privilege, misogyny and homophobia. People were jumping at the chance to bitch and moan about a movie featuring an iconic queer superheroine yet these same folks were doing mental Spidey acrobatics to defend the gaping plotholes in this movie. As they do with every movie from the MCU.

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Seriously Disney? THIS IS WHAT YOU POSTPONED BLACK PANTHER FOR??????

The Sam Raimi  Spider-Man still holds the title for the best live action Spidey flick.

This has just not been Marvel’s year.  First Iron Cyst, then Guardians of the Galaxy 2, and now this fustercluck. Meanwhile the DCEU has been on point and then some.

I’ll definitely be following Tom Holland and Zendaya who are both immensely talented and delivered with what little they had to work with.

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As for this movie. I’m giving it a C-/D+.

Do yourself a favor and go watch Wonder Woman or one of the old Spider-Man films. It’s not like there’s a shortage of them.

Homecoming? More Like Go Home.

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9 thoughts on “Iron Man 4 The High School Years: A Spider-Man Homecoming Review

  1. thats exactly what this bs is and i knew from the trailers: SKIP. but i love zendaya so i did see it…VIA CAM BABY! marvel is never getting my money again after let down after let down (i have the right to change my mind when black panther comes out) so they are DUST. it was just like the trailer told me (i know myself so well): iron douche jr (no thanks), loser villain, boring film over all, false diversity (they there but just as wall paper so we can stop bitching) chile BYE. but at least zendaya put a smile on my face all two times she was on screen, the only good i got out of the film. after the second whitewashing with dr whitewash i lost any “hope” (more like wishful thinking) of marvel actually using all the super heroes they have that arent straight white male. why is there only one woman per team? (justice league needs to fix that too in the future but dc and fox overall are doing waaaaay better). where is spectrum? living lightning? firebird? shang chi? since they finally decided to do some teen heroes instead of that horrible show give us young avengers and new warrirors films, teams that have gay, bi, lesbian, latin, asian and everything in between? and people wonder why i call them kkkvel.

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  2. forgot to point out something (other than mr. asian best friend is the only eye candy in the film despite my crush on papi tony) that apparently only i noticed despite not being a critic but arent they suppose to be unbias so how did they miss this? but the plot of the film “using the alien tech left after the avengers first fight” has been used SEVERAL TIMES and people are acting like it hasnt: first time was in the marvel one shot, second time was in agents of shield, third time was in luke cage (the bullets used on him were made from it) and if i cared enough to watch those iron douche films maybe they used it in there too. but by my count that is at least four times they used this trope. and people get on me for not conforming and being a mindless marvel brand whore like no. never own apple any thing and i live less than five minutes from the dollar store ok? BUT i also have a bunch of samsung products. its not about the NAME its about the QUALITY. guardians 1 and antman were great, fun rewatchable films so even though i like nothing else from marvel as an unbias person i can appreciate when they do something GOOD and at the time original. heck even if its just cause im a female hero fanboy unapologeticly so i might add, i liked age of ultron for give me my girl wanda (who needs her own witchy film with satana, topaz, and jennifer kale with brother voodoo as their mentor. voodoo’s angels lol) but lets call a spade a spade. the marvel films have a formula thats why they quote it as “the marvel formula” thats why people complain about their villains and third acts and the lame jokes. it is what it is. you know what you get with a woody allen film the same you know what you get with a marvel film. thats why i mostly avoid both, not my cup of green tea. not sorry

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  3. It doesn’t redeem or damn the movie, but I have to say, it made me happy to have a high school movie where the physics teacher was a black woman. Blink and you probably miss it, but that was nice.

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  4. You’re brutally harsh but truer words have never been written. My number one gripe is how they took Miles’ story and gave it to Peter. Even with the possibility of Miles showing up (what is he five years old though?) does he now take Peter’s story arc and friends? I think this movie was written for Miles but then Sony said no. They have the final say not the MCU. If you look at those emails you mention they lay out that spiderman can only be a white straight peter parker. The director and Feige should have pushed for Zendaya to be be Mary Jane MJ and not Michelle Jones MJ. She’s the biggest name in this movie under fifty. No one knows who holland is. Her name brought her millions of fans and her screen time barely made it to ten minutes. They did her a disservice and she would have killed as Mary Jane. Killed. Maybe over the course of a trilogy she can blossom into the MJ everyone loves.

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  5. wonder woman was okay, i think all the hype was because its the first time she actually gets a film. I prefer this spiderman vs the sam raimi ones because 1. this peter parker actually feels like a teenager fromnthe fact that he was literally so hyped up from civil war that he kept putting not only himself into danger but citizens as well. 2. i like zendaya character, i felt that this portrayal to me is more relatable. 3. flash and the chick peter had a crush on was better than just being the dumb bully jock or the pretty popular girl. Flash was smart but his was cool and of course a douche bag which seemed more realistic same for the girl, not only was she popular and pretty but smart.

    I really enjoyed this version of spiderman and i hope to see tom play him more in future films

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  6. You’re brutally honest Dennis that’s one of the reasons you are awesome.

    I rarely go to the movies for one, television offers more in my opinion you have minimum 10 episodes to develop the story and go from there. Wonder Woman was well worth the bucks she certainly gave the DCEU an extra shot of life. DCEU has been outshining MCU as of late I mean fans have been asking for a Black Widow film for like 10 years now.

    So Zendaya is not Mary Jane Watson? Disappointed with that.

    Homecoming did have a lot of misses I mean Tony Stark an experienced scientist/engineer had regular law guys go after a villain armed with highly advanced alien weaponry? The very talented cast made up for a lot.

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