Marvel Movies NOC Poetry

Every MCU Threat To Humanity In Haiku Form

(A version of this post originally appeared at Melancholyball.)

Because there are so many Marvel movies, and of each it’s worth the trouble to ask, what are we fighting about, REALLY?

IRON MAN
Lebowski’s armor
proves men in suits aren’t ready
for clean energy.

INCREDIBLE HULK
Hulk need bigger Hulk
to fight: literal toxic
masculinity.

IRON MAN 2
Russians are better
at whips, plus tech expos are
not actually fun.

THOR
Thor must stop Loki
from conquering the Nine Realms’
one source of coffee. 

CAPTAIN AMERICA: THE FIRST AVENGER
Red Skull and Hydra’s
off-brand Third Reich distracts us
from real Nazis?

AVENGERS
Alien jet-skis
destroy our cars to make space
for kaiju-snake farm.

IRON MAN 3
Stark’s armor army
cannot overcome fear of
China’s reaction.

THOR: THE DARK WORLD
Thor must stop Dark Elves
from ever showing up in
another movie.

CAPTAIN AMERICA: THE WINTER SOLDIER
Cap must stop Facebook’s
algorithm from killing
all the woke people.

GUARDIANS OF THE GALAXY
Meanwhile, in space,
we protect the planet of 
Nova C. Reilly.

AVENGERS: AGE OF ULTRON
Fake Eastern Europe
destroys whole planet because
Stark needs to “own it.”

ANT-MAN
Howie Mandel-ish
tech-bro proves dudes aren’t equipped
to get real small.

CAPTAIN AMERICA: CIVIL WAR
Security or
freedom? Who knows? Avengers
just wanna punch heads.

DOCTOR STRANGE
Dense cities turning
into Escher paintings is
apparently bad.

GUARDIANS OF THE GALAXY VOL. 2
Very creepy dad
is also planet, also
a eugenicist. 

SPIDER-MAN: HOMECOMING
If Rey from Star Wars
salvaged the Avengers’ junk,
is she The Vulture?

THOR: RAGNAROK
Thor’s estranged sister
burns down the palace. Mainly,
it’s hilarious. 

BLACK PANTHER
Killmonger shoots folks,
seems he doesn’t trust his own 
very thoughtful points.

AVENGERS: INFINITY WAR
Infinity Glove
could solve every problem, but
we can’t have nice things. 

ANT-MAN AND THE WASP
Ant-Man must stop Ghost
before she becomes cooler
than the comic book.

CAPTAIN MARVEL
Gosh forbid someone
critiques the patriarchy
in a Marvel flick.

AVENGERS: ENDGAME
We must assemble
the death mitt again to get
Cap to say his line.

SPIDER-MAN: FAR FROM HOME
Surprise! It’s all smoke.
The douchey film director
was behind it all.

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